A huge cloud of shit, hanging over me.

I'd like to know where I went wrong

I'm almost done!!!

So, on Wednesday, the wall paper was 100% off my bathrooms and my bedroom, and the bedroom wall was done... Yesterday, I had a whole army of people at my house helping.
My mom hobbled up stairs and helped take off wall paper, my MiL was in town, and helped with the wall paper ( it was freaking insane how hard that huge part was to take off) my dad and soon to be uncle painted the HUGE wall, then today... we are like 98% done! I just have to do the trim of the kitchen-- and I'm done. I owe everyone big time for all the help.
I would NOT have been able to get it all done myself.

I'm so excited to be done, with all my crap in it :]

Tomorrow is 27 weeks.. I can't believe how fast the time is flying by... my little boy is going to be here before I know it!

























... I still miss him like crazy.

I really hate how much I miss him still.

26 weeks

I'm a bit late in posting this...but I had an appointment yesterday, so, I guess it all works out. :]

I am HUGE now! I cant imagine getting any bigger.. I really cant. I've gained about 17 pounds. I hope to only gain 10 more, but at this rate, I'll gain 20 more. so, I've decided to drastically cut out sugar. I was drinking like 40oz slurpies, and caffeine free sodas, but not diet (obviously), and candy candy candy galore! ...and of course carbs, so thats cool...

So, since I'm moving into the condo, I've decided to not buy any SUPER sugary foods. I'm not going to depreive myself of some candy/sugar because really? That's just not me, but I want to cut back, if not for me, for the baby. He's going come out fending for sugar. hah...

Speaking of which, I have the worst appointment ever in 2 weeks.... the gestational diabetes test. I've heard such horror stories about it, that I'm afraid I might vomit from drinking that orangie sugary crap. ugh.... I'm dreading it so much.

So, I painted my bedroom wall a beautiful blue, and I'm very excited about it! ..but the whole time I was painting, I was thinking of LJ...of course. The first time I painted the house we bought, he had to keep running to the store to get more of the dark blue in the living room, becasue since they were new walls, the paint just sucked it up like it was nobody's business. He was so great about it too.. he never complained about it, he just laughed at me for not wanting to buy the whole gallon of paint, instead of sending him out to buy quarts. I really wish I hadn't taken those times for granted.

George came over and unknowingly saved me from myself I guess. He took down the wall paper, and I don't like crying in front of people, so I stopped. He was a HUGE help. He's like a freaking mad man removing the wall paper. It took him like 10 mins, and it took me hours and hours to remove one wall. He did both bathrooms in like 30 mins, and said he would do the kitchen too. He's a great friend :]

So, that's about it as far as baby news... he's healthy, I'm healthy AND they approved the 15th for the induction date, so LJ will get here on the 13th (just in case they want to do it the 14th) and he can stay until the 26th to spend time with our son.... I just can't wait to meet him. It's coming up!

Drugs are bad mmmkay?

Maybe it's time to grow the hell up and stop smoking pot with your little friends every time you come to Tucson. Just sayin'.... it's time to think of someone other than yourself, you stupid stupid fucktard.

"I wanna find someone to date, but I can't because I talk to you 50% of my day. That's not how single people do things"


but I can tell you what they DO do

They get drunk, and lie and say they only had one beer at their little friends' bday parties.
They text you at 2am telling you they played beer bong...

Yep. THIS is the father of my child.... I'm just really SoOoOooOooooOoOOooo excited for him to be a role model to our son.... I hope my kid grows up lying and playing beer pong. I wonder if lying is a hereditary trait?

And to think-all night I was crying because I missed him so much....I'm a fucking idiot.

I like how I'm a fucking door mat to him. It's awesome. I really hope karma comes and kicks him in the balls as hard as possible.
Fuck it. I'm done.

Happy Birthday Dad....

Today would have been my biological dad's birthday. Every year I called my grandma on this day and she told me funny stories about him and other random facts, and now that she's gone, its a really weird day. I can't say I miss him, because I only knew him for a few months of my life. But I still am just so curious as to what my life would have been like with him in it.
When I was a little girl, I thought he was really alive but just didn't like me so he was hiding from me. I'd have awful nightmares about it.
I had a dream that I had my baby, and he looked exactly like my dad. Crazy huh? I mean, that is very possible, since I apparently look just like him, but I really think this is an Earle baby.We'll see though I guess.

In other news, I got the condo, and today I bought everything for the big move in. I have the keys, but I refuse to start working on it until the AC can be turned on, which will be Monday... so I have tomorrow to get ready.
No one will let me paint. But no one is offering to help, so really? I'm going to be doing it. Its not like it would have been any different in KY. LJ never helped me with any paint projects, and when we were separated the first time, he got high on ADHD meds and painted the master bedroom terribly. It was a funny story, but it was a crappy paint job, so I wouldn't have let him do the baby's room anyway.
But, now that I'm alone in this, I just want to get it done. it's very annoying. I'm not unbalanced or anything, and I bought a painting mask. I'll be fine. I just need a freggin ladder.
I bought brown for the baby's room, blue for mine, dark red for the living room and dining area and yellow for the kitchen. I'm super excited. Pictures will be posted when it's done! :)

Home Sweet Home?

So, I turned in an application for a condo.... I really hope I get it! it's in a good area, it has a washer and dryer in the place, which the other's didn't, and were way more expensive. And obviously nicer, but like...I don't want to drag a baby and a load of laundry around every day.
The only thing is? ....it's old as hell. Like-it desperately needs a make over. Thankfully, I'm able to paint it but I don't want to have to do SO much work, since I'm only renting.... Either way, I want it. hah..

I just don't know about bringing Daizy and that breaks my heart.

...Speaking of things breaking...my mother broke her foot. High heels+slippery grocery stores= bad news for her.

She's not in a cast though, so that's kinda good. Just a boot.

All I have left to get for the baby is the crib and mattress.... and wipes and diapers. I literally have nothing else to get. :] Monica got him a dino blankie, so now I don't have to make that. Thank goodness..I cant sew to save my life.

I. Am. Huge.

25.5 weeks

Belly Moving....

So.. if you watch the belly button area, you can see two bit twitches. Those twitches? That's my baby making it impossible for me to sleep. It's his new thing between 9pm-12am. every night. EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.

I miss the sleep, but I love that he moves so much. :)

25 weeks!

I'm huge! Like, really really huge. I feel big, but I never realize how huge I am until I post a picture on here. Sheesh...

Things pregnancy wise are pretty great. Nothing to really note, except my hip is seriously killing me. I can hardly put pants on anymore without sitting down, because it hurts to lift my leg sometimes. It is awful.

Other than that? Smooth sailing. I just can't wait to meet this guy.

Emotionally? I'm so messed up its not even funny. Like, obviously LJ and I still disagree on shit, but he does this thing, where he twists everything back on me--and by NO means am I perfect, but today he's being a huge asshole, and it sucks. Yesterday? Like the nicest guy ever.

So, I know I'm on an emotional roller coaster just from the hormones, but he's the one controlling it, and I fucking HATE that he still can do that to me. I really wish I hated him. ....it would just make this so much easier. But I dont. I still think he's a decent guy, and I can't bring myself to hate him.


I just wish I did.

I'm a little excited I'm having a boy....

Frou Frou - Hear Me Out

You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone.
You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this right of passage. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.

24 weeks.

I can't believe I'm at 24 weeks already! I feel like it was yesterday that I was peeing on that stick. Time flies. I can now see my belly move with the baby moves, and I feel his movement constantly. I can tell the difference between a kick, and an arm flailing, and I know when he's flipping -- and I love ever second of it. :)

Yesterday I had breakfast with LJ...and it was really nice. I know that's supposed to be a good thing... but it was really hard for me to go. We hugged goodbye, which was something I had wanted to do the first time I saw him, but I dont know. It was nice. Like.. it felt like it always did. I hate that...but on the flip side, I'm glad we're not constantly arguing anymore, for the sake of the baby. We're really trying to work together to make everything as easy as possible. I think we're holding off on the divorce until he gets back from Afghanistan just so he doesn't have to really worry about getting everything situated with that until he's back, because a lot would change and it's a lot to deal with in such a short time..Sept -Jan just isn't long enough to get everything ready, especially since he's going to a new unit. I really hate that he wont be around more for the baby... but I guess if he were in KY it would kinda be the same.. only at least then he could talk to the baby.

Oh well.... such is life. Also? LJ gave me his camera to take baby related pictures to send to him... I totally used it to take this week's picture.... I love this camera.


I have an interview today with some agency that works with a Deaf client with some developmental delay issues... I doubt I'll get it, since I'm pregnant, but last night I was reminded that it might be dangerous for me as well if the client is violent. I mean, I have experience in that, but I wont want subject my belly to that.... I guess I'll find out in a few hours... wish me luck!


ps- my dad's father's day gift? totally going to rock.
See?

where do you go when you're in love and the world knows...
how do you live so happily while i am sad and broken down?

whew...

Just got home from the hospital tour with LJ. It was really really nice, and quite informative. Private birthing rooms... jacuzzi tubs, and the couch turns into a bed for the dads. Very nice. I think we've decided that he's going to be in the room, and he'll be the one staying the night at the hospital with me and the baby. I still want my mom and sister there while I give birth, I think. I just want it calm in there, and with everyone disliking everyone else... I just dont know. I know that if someone is sleeping, I will be pissed...I mean obviously they'll be sleeping at night, but since I'm being induced, its like 12 hours that they can stay awake. I'm not worried about my mother sleeping, but I swear to God, if LeAnne or LJ start to sleep, their asses will be in the freggin waiting room. Fact.

After the tour was over, LJ and I went to try to find an outfit to bring the baby home in...no luck. And of course, I start crying like an idiot, because I'm still so sad about this all. Like, really. It breaks my heart. Its really hard to divorce someone when you still are desperately in love with them. He told me I have to move on... so does everyone else, but it's just really quite hard. I really wish someone were understanding to this, and just let me cry about it, instead of yelling at me for feeling this way.

I guess on the plus side, I got a job this week tutoring a kid, and have an interview on Saturday to work with a Deaf girl who has some developmental disorders... I really hope that works, and that they don't turn me away because I'm pregnant. I just hate that. I know everyone says "equal opportunity" but the reality is, no one wants to hire me for only 3 months, then just give me 2 months off for maternity leave.... oh well. Guess I'll find out...

Wish me luck!