trickster....

look at this trickster.... thinking she's a baby.
I changed the sheet, only to find her in there again. Jerk.

omg that hurt.

Holy freakin crap. I swear. If I knew pregnancy was so painful, I would have never ever EVER have had sex. Ever. Being checked for dilation was THE MOST PAINFUL THING EVER!!!!!!!
I dont like it, and I think they should just not ever check me again.
I guess I misunderstood how they check you for that, but I didn't know it consisted of a doctor shoving her hand as hard as she could up your va-jay.
Sweet Lord.

So, with that said... I'm dilated 1.5 cm, and my doctor is very happy. I'll be going in to the hospital on Sept 14th at about 9pm and given medication to soften the ol' cervix and then at 5am or so, they'll start the petocin drip.

I'm really pissed off.
It ruins everything I had planned! Like, I wanted to have the lovely dinner, come home, relax, POOP, go to sleep, wake up POOP and get glammed out. Now? I'll eat, and probably poop when I freaking give birth. Awesome. I'm SO excited for 10 people so see me poop. And also, I'm going to look like death warmed over. I wonder if they'll let me take a shower that morning?
I really hope so. I want one last shower before I can only use a water bottle so wash off. yuuuuuck.


So... yeah. 2 weeks. Like, seriously. In 14 days, I'll be in the hospital getting ready to have a baby.

I"m freakin out man..

36 weeks.

18 freaking days left. Thats it! OMFG!!!! I think it's safe to say I'm in freak out mode...sometimes. Sometimes I freak out because I'm so overwhelmed that I'm going to be a single mama... an insanely cool one, but still, a single mama. I am really quite thankful for all the support I have on my end though. :]

Today is my last day with the duke. :[ I think. I'm not really sure when her adoptive family is coming to get her tomorrow.. but either way, I'm pretty sad. She's been my main source of entertainment the last week. She is just SO funny. Also, I just looked over, and the dang dog is passed out, but her tongue is hanging out of her mouth. Lazy thing.

So. I feel amazing.... No swelling (except my fingers a little)... I can sleep.. and everything is good. I will say that heart burn is still a pain in the butt though... but other than that? I don't see why pregnant women complain all the time about how much it sucks. Granted, I'm fat as an elephant, I have stretchmarks that are never going away,and I'm pretty sure my shoe size went up a half size, but really? I expected all those things. Once the little man comes, I'm going to miss a few things, such as going to Starbucks with Monica every other night, sleeping.... eating whatever I want because "i'm pregnant! it's ok!"... and I'm not going to like dieting insanely, but on the flip side? I'll have my son!!! I think Monica said it best yesterday when I said I felt silly talking about the make up I'll be wearing to the hospital..."it's not every day you meet the love of your life" and she's right. I can't wait to meet my little Nicolas.

I really can't explain what happened to me, but it's like over night, I have this insane desire to buy make up. Don't get me wrong. I've always liked make up--a lot. But I now have an INSANE obsession with eye make up. What's lame about it though... is that no matter what color combination I slab on my eyes, it always looks the same in a few hours. So, my cousin told me (she's a MAC cosmetologist) to get a gel primer... I couldn't find one (that wasn't over $30) so I got a cream primer.. and I can't really tell a difference... so I think I'll just get over it. I have recently become a HUGE fan of E.L.F. products. You can find most of them at the 3rd love of my life (Target..duh), or you can order them here. They have such a diverse line, and guess what else? They're SO FREGGIN CHEAP!!!! I have spent a butt load of make up from Bobbie Brown, and MAC... and E.L.F. is just as good, if not better..why? because you can get more, and I feel like it's just as good. Except some of MAC's eye make up, because that shit is craaaaazy.
Anyway.

Here are some pictures, of a HUGE belly:

and yeah, my hair is STILL black. I dont want to strip it, but I think that's my last option.

My NON-swollen ankles!!!

and, I've dropped. I now enjoy using my tummy as a tray for holding things such as: phones, food, candy, and TV remotes. :]

Crib Wall

Today, Monica and I went to get manicures. Because of that, I figured today was the day I'd have my little brother take pictures of my hands, signing my little baby's name... but the poor kid had an awful headache after dinner (pei wei!!!) so I thought I would try it out myself, and if worse came to worse, I'd have him do it tomorrow....thankfully? I rock at taking hand pictures (apparently), so I uploaded them to photobucket, changed the coloring, ordered them through walgreens, and shabam! The nursery is done. I will post more pictures on Monday or something. I just need to put everything back after Daizy goes with her adoptive family. I trust her with 99% of the house.. but she really likes destroying the baby stuff for some reason, so I just dont want to take any chances with that nonsense.
Anyway-- this is the crib wall, and the hand pictures!

I'm pretty pleased with how it turned out :]

Dino from Grammy, pillow from Home Goods (I <3 that store) and everything else made by Little Nona...That woman has some serious talent. Look at the monster! She MADE that. And the blanket... good Lord.

Before adding the blue dots....

I really just love the monster, for my little monster. :]

Happy Birthday!!!

Happy Birthday to the best mother in the entire world!!!!!
She's leaving us to go to New Jersey. So. Freaking. Jealous. Totally not fair. My sister and I are dying to go with her, but she has school, and I am about to pop, and I think with the added cabin pressure my stomach would explode. Or something.


In any event--today is her big day. So, Happy Birthday Little Mommy. We all love you more than anything.

Picture it--
Cat and dog living in perfect harmony...
Now think of the exact opposite.. and that is what I found after returning home from the mall and Starbucks--where, Monica got a whole thing of coffee fo free!!! Not our drinks.. like, a bag of coffee.. Why? Its because I totally know one of the Brewistas that work there! yay for Lauren (thank you)!!!

Seriosuly. I was expecting poop to be honest. I kept telling Monica that I'd come home to poop (ok, yesterday, it was pouring rain, so I assumed Daizy would poop in the house, just because she wont go outside in the rain, and today, she was being weird and not going pee even so I totally thought I'd have some kind of puppy surprise in my house, but I didn't!) but nooooo, I came home to Jazmine slapping Daizy in the face. Seriously. In. The. Face. Poor dog...

So anyway, while at starbucks, I was told by another girl I was in band with that I looked like I was about to pop. I totally feel that way too. So again. I am SO confused about my damn due date. 35 weeks, but measuring at 37 (I assume--I've been measuring 1.5 weeks-ish ahead every time) and so, that's full term, so wtf. WTF! I guess I'll find out more on Tuesday. This time, I'm going to ask my doctor a million questions. I really think she should take the time to answer my damn questions. I mean after all, she's going to have her face about 3 inches from my va jay.


I'm like, stretch marked out though. Seriously, if I grow out anymore, this kid's going to be grounded before he even comes out of the womb. Shit. it's bad. I just got up to look, and thought about maybe adding a picture-- but no. Not I will not.

it's far too disturbing...

35 weeks

I don't know if I should really label this post at 37 weeks.. the whole measuring thing really is confusing me! But, I guess if the doctor never changed my due date, I'll still say 35....right? Stupid doctors.

Anyway-- as you can see from the picture, I have dropped. It's amazing to breathe again. It really is. :]
Although...heartburn is really becoming an issue now. Pretty much every night--er morning-- at 1 or 2am I wake up and run to the medicine cabinet and eat like 39 tums. The little guy has stopped moving as much.. which is normal, but weird for me. He normally is always moving, but now it's only if I eat something that he likes. Also- his butt is on my left side, and his little feet are on my right side, and he moves his feet like his dad. I know that's weird to say, but when LJ would be sleeping (which I witnessed constantly, because he is the most lazy person you will EVER meet), he would like, do this weird thing with his feet, that I can feel the baby do. It's very funny. I obviously may be wrong in this, and he could just be moving around, but it really feels like he's doing the weird LJ foot thing.
It really amazes me the traits that are passed down genetically. Like, me for example. I obviously never knew my biological father, and I apparently walk like him, smirk like him, anger easily like him, ect. And from my mother.... I have all the other craziness. Thanks Mom! :]

I can't believe in a few days I'll be meeting my little boy.
Also, I can't believe I'm going to be picking LJ up the day before that happens. I can't say I'm thrilled at the prospect of seeing him, because he does nothing but upset me now-a-days, but I'm glad he'll be able to see his son make his grand entrance.



.....I just don't know if mentally, I should be around LJ 24/7 while he's here. I really don't want him to stay here the whole time.... The thought of him literally makes my heart race... not in the good way, but in the "holy shit, he's coming here and I have to be nice to him even though I want to take a brick and bash his face in" kind of way. I'm finding all this information on things he's supposed to have done this whole time we've been separated, and he's done NONE of it.. I literally get sick to my stomach at the thought of it all. Like, literally, I feel the urge to vomit when I think of how badly I'm getting fucked over, again and again and again by the father of my child.

On a more humorous note...I found this shirt on line, and I cracked up!

I have everything ready in the nursery, except the picture for above the crib, but I need a manicure before I take those pictures. I can't paint my nails very well. They always end up looking like a 2 year old did it for me.

Pray for You - Jaron and The Long Road to Love :: Official Video

what an asshole.

I just don't even want him near me during all this.

UGH

I have a car, I have my dog...life is good....(minus the mother fucker that my dad's sister brought over that let her out, making me, my mom, my dad and sister search for her for like 30 mins.. did the asshole even get up to look or say sorry? NOPE. So, yeah. I had some unkind words for him. And I'm all crampy now because I ran. WTF is wrong with people... like seriously? Who the hell just lets a hyper ass dog out in the middle of the desert? Idiots, I guess.)....

Crap!

I didn't like my crazy hair changing colors this summer, so I dyed it. The box? it said dark brown. But imagine my suprise when I rinse the dye out, and dry my hair and I freakin look like THIS:

My mother is going to have a field day with this.

Also? Let me tell you a story. It goes a little something like this.
Boy emails Girl on myspace, they fall in love and get married. 3 months later Boy decides Girl needs a new car. 2 new cars actually, because one died and Girl is now making $500/month car payments.. 2 and a half years later, Boy changes his name to "huge asshat".
Girl moves back to Tucson to get away from Huge Asshat, because after all, he turned into an asshat.
I digress.
Girl gets a job, loves her job, and is very pleased with how her life is, but she misses Huge Asshat daily.
Huge Asshat comes to Tucson for the holidays, and he and Girl decide to give the marriage a whirl again, and also, decide to partake in married activities.
Girl finds herself pregnant.
Huge Asshat is not as excited but they're happy they're having a baby together.
Girl quits her amazing job to move back to KY with Huge Asshat.
ONE WEEK LATER Huge Asshat decides he no longer wants to be with Girl, because Girl calls more than once a day, and she asks Huge Asshat and his hillbilly slutty room mates to quit smoking in the house, and to fix walls and other necessary things that needed to be done before they bring a child in the house.
So, Girl finds herself, for lack of a better term, fucked.
Girl moves into a tiny condo instead of a house.
Girl has to get rid of her amazing dog.
Girl then makes the decision to get rid of the car that we read about in the beginning of story.
Girl realizes that in 7 months, she paid as much as she's about to buy a new car for-- and thinks to herself "thanks for screwing me once again, asshat"
The End.

I'm about to go buy a damn car. I <3 the car I had. But, since I had to quit my job to move back, and then I was told NOT to move back, I really didn't have another option. Good thing this new car is like, the same thing. Same color even. :]

I don't give 2 shits to hear anyone's negative opinion on this matter either. I have a feeling I'm going to hear a lot of "oh no, you're totally screwing up your guys' credit" and to that? I say "screw you!" I'm out of other options.

Advice

If you should ever find yourself knocked up.. don't get sick.
My diet is consisting of sorbet, tea and cough drops.
I'm kinda pissed about it.
I miss candy, and chips, and other items that are hard to swallow.

These cough drops are delicious, but I don't think they actually suppress my coughing.

I <3 tea. I'm sick of it though. I'm not sick of this mug, because it is hilarious.

haha...

....My belly can be used as a TV tray....

Doctor's visit.......

So, good news is, I have only gained 28lbs. Bad news? I've gained 28lbs. I really only wanted to gain 25.. but oh well. All together, I should still be at about 33lbs if I stay on track... I really hope I can!

Also, baby is good-- but measuring at about a week and a half ahead. Apparently, he has been the whole time... my doctor said only a week, the nurse said over that.. wtf! Why don't they tell you? ...Apparently, so you don't FTFO when you hear you're measuring ahead. hah

All in all, everything is good. He's head down.. and the nurse is guessing he'll be about 7-8lbs. :]

29 days.... my gosh...

braxton hicks? preterm labor?

So-yesterday, my mom, sister, and I went to see Eat. Pray. Love.-and it was a great movie. I highly recommend it. Unfortunately, during the movie, I started cramping like I was on my period, but worse. It was awful, and it went around to my lower back too. From everything I've read up to this point, told me that those were signs of early labor, so of course I freaked out, ran to the bathroom after the movie to check for blood, but thankfully, nothing. So, I called my doctor but since it was Sunday, she wasn't in, and I had to have a doctor on call, call me back... which she did, and she was very nice, but she told me that if the pain didn't subside to go to the hospital, which I just didn't want to do. So.. I sucked it up, drank a ton of water and kinda just relaxed a little. I went to my mom's house just in case something happened.. I didn't really want to be alone...

So, while I'm there it was hurting on and off, and so I assumed it was the famous Braxton Hicks.. but I was wrong I think. Nothing contracted. ...unless I'm just super lucky and mine wont be that bad, but I mean, no one is that lucky...right?

Well--while I was there freakin betty...
She puked at the fuckin table
the dinner table
and I'm emetophobic
and it was awful
and I dont like her.. I really dont
so I didnt feel sorry for her
at all, and now I feel guilty for that
but....
I really hate when people throw up-I like it less when I dont like the person, and I really hate that she was so focused on eating a fat man's portion at dinner that she didnt stop and just get up and go into the restroom to do it at least. It was really annoying... but because she did that, I had to jump up and run out the door, and I made my mom bring me my shit...
and I came home. All night I was worried about going into labor, but I didnt.. yay!
Tomorrow morning, I have an appt with my ob, and I'm kinda nervous about it.
I'm really sore... and it's just not fun being pregnant anymore... except for when I go out to eat. :]
But also-- I need to get that gross butt and vajay test tomorrow-- and I'm so not excited for the no pants visits. ugh


I seriously am peeing every 10 minutes now, and its awful!
Anyway--everything is good. Baby is moving like crazy, so I think I'm good to go. AAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNDDDDD

I didn't gain any weight this week. Yay me!

34 weeks.

So--apparently, I've dropped. I think I look the same, but my mother, and Nona said I look lower. Whatever. All I know is I'm huge. I really can't imagine being any bigger... I know I will be-- but I just can't imagine it.

The baby has the hiccups like, all the time. All. The. Time. also? I can feel his foot. Like, I can tell it's his foot kicking me. So weird that I know which body part is which now. I love it. I dont even know what it's going to be like when I dont have a baby in me. I would NEVER EVER EVER do it, but I totally understand why the Duggers or whatever their name is (the 19 kids and counting people) have so many kids. Not only is MAKING a baby fun as shit , but being pregnant is the most amazing experience I've ever been through.

Doctor's appt on Tuesday. My mom is going to NJ (and I'm totally jealous) but she doesn't want to go if I'm at all dilated. I freakin hope I'm not! I still have a month left! I mean, I know there are a lot of people that pop at this point, but I really hope I'm not one of them.

In other exciting news-- the sibs are here tonight for a little slumber party. I don't exactly know what brought this on, but it's funny. We're watching Step Brothers, and I've seriously never heard my brother laugh this hard. While LeAnne doesn't seem excited by the baby's movement, Alan just witnessed the gymnastic show the little one preforms every night around this time. Seriously, he flips from side to side like a crazy baby. I love this baby. He's so silly. But seriously, best decision ever using my brother's name for the baby's middle name. Alan totally is into this pregnancy more than LJ even, so I'm so glad we're honoring him this way. :]

Also? I went out to dinner with the family, PLUS big red, and nona and pop. Never. Doing. That. Again. First of all, that was the smelliest car ride I've ever experienced in my life. And the loudest. And it was just full of complaining and "hmm lets see" sentences and UGH. no thank you to that.

I loved my soup though. Freggin delicious. It's this mexican soup simply called cheese soup. But, it has these amazing potatoes in it, and chicken broth and its slightly spicy. I could eat that every day. yuuuuummmm <3

Tomorrow, LeAnne me and my mom are going to see Eat. Pray. Love. and I'm super excited. I've been DYING to see a movie in a theater, since I wont be able to do it for a while.

Jazmine has totally taken over the house again. Little brat.

When I grow up--I wanna be famous..

The perks of being pregnant include many things :

• Eating crazy things without judgement
• Gaining 30lbs and people thinking it's cute
• Being able to cry and people just say "awww-hormones...poor thing"
• Being able to snap at someone and they just say "awww hormones...poor thing"
• Buying new clothes for 9 months, and no one can say you're being selfish
  
• Being in a FREAKING COMMERCIAL!!!!
  

Yeah that's right-- I'm in a commercial today. :] It's for the air national guard (which I really am not a fan of, because they think they're such bad asses, but really? they're wusses ).
My little friend Monica cracked me up..."Join the ANG--we'll take ya even if you're knocked up!"
but no...
I'll just be posing as a patient. They're wanting to promote people to join, and become nurses.
I've gotta say-- if I ever were to become a nurse? I'd be a OB nurse. I think that would be fun to see pregos all the time. We're really such lovely people. haha... mostly.
I'm so thankful (even though I feel huge and have gained freggin 30lbs) that I'm not one of those preggos that let themselves go--I still get up and ready every day. I can't imagine not doing that.
And more importantly, I FEEL good. I feel so awful for the girls that go through 9 months of feeling like shit... I'm so glad I'm so lucky. I might have a shit load of problems during the pregnancy-- but nothing to do with the pregnancy.
Although I gotta say-- the director of the commercial asked me to bring my husband. Or boyfriend. Or whoever made the baby with me.

.
.
.
.
yeah....
...

um. I lied...I said he was deployed.
It's just so much easier to say that than to say: "oh no sorry, he decided he hates the idea of being married, and didn't want me to move back there to ky with him but hey! Good news is, I can pose as your little prego in your commercial, so please don't feel too bad for me, because really? he's a huge douche bag and I dont want to be out there anyway, even though I cry all the time about it, because even though he's a total shit bag, I still love him."

yeah... lying? It's an awful thing to do. But sometimes, I feel like it's just better than unloading at unexpected strangers. Anyway, because of that, I recruited my friend Matt...
I have a feeling that's going to be awkward but--oh well.

Also? I need to find a freggin car. STAT

33 weeks. I think.

Swollen feet. Not fun.

Silly nails with my sister. Fun.

Buying "udder" cream because I couldn't stop laughing in Safeway. Fun as hell (also? I hope it works on keeping my stomach less gross).

Maternity Dress. Amazing.

Not seeing my feet? Not amazing.

Telling everyone my boobs wouldn't get any bigger and then being TOTALLY FREAKING WRONG. Not cool. These bad boys are hard to contain now-a-days.

Huge tummy-hard to support. I'm thinking of buying a support band. Seriously. I'm in pain with how big I am. And I still have 39 days.

I never thought I'd be able to wear tank tops out in public. But now I'm just too damn hot to care.

All in all, things are going well. My feet hurt like a mo fo though.... And I sweat like a fat man. But other than that, things are good. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel! 39 days... I can't believe that... 39 days until my world is forever changed.

On a good note, Diapers at Safeway are only $5 for the mother to mother brand, which I think I'll be using, because they're "organic" and I like that. Plus? They have them overstocked, adn they're hella cheap.woohoo for that.

I want to finish the nursery, but I am hesitant to do so, because it seems so final. I'm freaking out! I want help. Like, this should be a shared experience. I dont need anymore help putting anything together, or anything like that-- but I jsut want to be able to share this with someone... do it with another person.
I'm never really angry with LJ for not wanting to stay together. He had his reasons.. but its times like these where I get mad. He robbed me of the full experience-- so for that, I'm mad. I want to hit him in the face with a shovel sometimes.


I'm totally taking pictures of the baby in Ohio State gear while he;s deployed, and only emailing him those pictures.

Sucker.

daizy

My favorite thing in the world was my dog. She seriously was the best thing in my life (yes, when the baby is here he will be, but he's not here yet). She was a bed hog, a food thief, a cat chaser, an awful walker, a house pooper, barker when there was nothing there, a stuffed animal ruiner, jumper, shedding machine. But I loved her more than I ever thought possible.
Originally, LJ and I decided that our little Menza needed a friend..a sister... a playmate. They hated eachother 99.9% of the time, so when he decided he wanted a divorce (the first time) he wanted to keep my little menza, so I had to take daizy. yea. I said had. I wanted Menza! She was pure pit-- and deaf. I thought for sure I should keep her.

I'm so thankful I got Daizy. That dog was a saint compared to Menza. I really think a dog's attitude is 100% reflected to it's owner, and once I left, Menza beccame the worst dog in the world... ahem.

This morning, I re-homed my little Daizy. I cried so hard, I almost threw up. I really dont think I cried to the point of vomiting when LJ said he was a fucking assho...., I mean when he said he didn't want to do this a 2nd time.

You know how they say a dog is man's best friend? No. Wrong. But Daizy was like a baby to me. For sure. I had her on a little schedule, she had a bed time, and I love her. Thank God the family that adopted her said I can see her whenever I want, and I get her when they go out of town. I keep second guessing that though. I think having her, then not having her again will just push me over the edge.

Now I'm just stuck with Jazmine- the world's worst cat. I do not like her, or her nasty fur.

I freaking have stretch marks

I thought I was getting off scott-free. Nope. I have them. And I have them bad. And I've never been more upset. Seriously. I was ready to be kinda fat after I delivered. I was ready to not have time to get ready to my usual standard. I was even ok with my vagina being an inch from a stranger's face.

What I'm not ok with, is my stomach having stretch marks. I hate these things, and mine are AWFUL. I put all kinds of oil on my stomach. I dont know why the hell I have them. My mother hardly has any, and I'm pissed. Not that it really matters at this point, but I'm never going to look good naked again. FML. The worst fucking part? yeah.... I couldn't even see them. My mother was looking for me, and had to bring me a mirror so I could see them. I seriously want to cry.

Also? Being pregnant is starting to really hurt. Like, everywhere. Everything hurts. My stomach feels too heavy, I can't breathe, and my feet are swollen.
This is really depressing.

I look like shit.

someone should probably buy this for the baby.

:[

I'm still measuring ahead! apparently, I've been measuring ahead the whole time, but the nurse never told me. I knew they were wrong on my due date... idiots. I knew we made this baby in December, and not January. ...but everything is just perfect, and we're still on for Sept 15th, which I think is when it would have been happening ANYWAY but whatev! Whenever he gets here I'll be happy. I'd be a bit more happy if the little guy looked like me and not LJ but... such is life.


oh well


So, I can't stop crying. I only have 3 more days with Daizy until I re-home her, and it's literally breaking my heart. I can't remember the last time I felt this kind of sadness. I love this dog more than anything. I know I'm doing what is best for the baby, and for Daizy, but it's seriously breaking my heart. Every time I look at her, I start crying. I have been treating her like a freaking princess. I seriously have made all her meals, and I'm hoping she just remembers me when I get to dog sit her. I can't believe I ever became such a dog person...I guess the count is on 2 now.. LJ at least did 2 things right in our journey together. He made me a dog lover, and made me a baby... Two things I never thought possible.






Now I know we said things, did things that we didn't mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
But your temper's just as bad as mine is
You're the same as me
But when it comes to love you're just as blinded
Baby, please come back
It wasn't you, baby it was me
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away